Whose Fault Is It? The Discord Within The Black Community

0 Posted by - November 26, 2013 - Feature, Relationships

Everyone has their own opinion of what love is. They have a standard on what type of individual is required for their companionship from how they look to what they do to who they are characteristically. I do believe that love is indeed colorblind, but for me I am madly in love with the Black Man. Not for the simple reason of the color of his skin, but for the strength behind his eyes, the intelligence that lies within, and the depth of his historical context. There is a commonality between us that cannot be expressed, which in return is highly appreciated, but as time progresses, and the water continues to boil over the pot, the strain between Black men and women increase. So after talking with my sister Kenya, and a few other individuals both male and female, a common thought was:

Sistas: Where has the standard gone?

Sex. It’s everywhere. You can get it with whomever, whenever, however! What is troublesome is that with it being so accessible why would a Black man, or any man for that matter feel the need to fall in love/commit with something so accessible, so easy?

I feel that sex is sacred, and from my many mishaps with relationships, the happiest/healthiest experience I had was when sex wasn’t involved. If you’re so eager for ‘intimacy’ so soon, there’s no need for him to stay around and figure out your name. He’s either gotten what he wanted, or decided to take you up on your offer and still leaves thinking that if you gave it up that easy, who else ‘hit that’, no questions asked? Women, we are beautiful, powerful, and beyond amazing but we have to treat ourselves as such. Take pride in who we are! And if the man that you are with cannot accept you wanting to wait, then clearly he is not the one for you (cliche’ I know, but it’s true). In a world where sex is the driving force behind every random thing, set yourself a part. Be the woman that tells him no and in return shows him something he didn’t even know existed! Be the Queen you were created to be and allow your King to recognize that, nurture love and protect that.

Appreciate who he is. Not every brotha is a dead beat, disrespectful, promiscuous cat, and if you see him acting in such a way, there is a way that you confront the behavior, from a place of respect, of love. Understand that it is the way we say things that set the tone for how your message is received.

There are extremely hard working, God fearing, multitalented, intuitive, creative, educated, loving brothas out there, but you will not attract such if you are carrying yourself in a manner less than that. You know us women have ‘a list’.  So understand that men have a list too. You can’t be so critical if someone appears to be  lacking when you aren’t even bringing anything that compliments your request to the table.

Being Black in America has slightly changed from the 60s when we were just granted the right to vote so it’s fair to say that how America portrays the Black woman hasn’t changed much either. We’re either attitudinal, always complaining, alone, or all the above which is not necessarily our faults BUT when we actually adopt that as who we are collectively (roles we play/being played in the media)…that creates another monster.

Anonymous: ‘All Black women got a chip on their shoulder…too much drama so I don’t deal with em…”

Now, I’m the type of woman who won’t deal with the type of cat who would make a comment like that. Brothas, you cannot generalize ALL Black women by what you see through mass media. It’s not real! Ladies, you cannot think that you can adopt your lifestyle to that of somebody’s housewives, it ain’t real! For a brief moment though, let’s defend the digital creation of the angry Black woman.

The historical context, in my opinion, goes back to slavery when the Black family was torn apart. The father ripped from his family, then beaten in front of the wife and children, sold to the highest bidder. Now for all of my Willie Lynch readers you can see the connect with how America continues pushing that moment through what is seen today. If you haven’t read it, I strongly suggest it. The woman was often times left to care for her family, not by choice of the male or female. The whole independent lifestyle is no new concept, it’s just evolved with the trend of the times. Imagine, if your happy home was unwillingly dismantled, would you not be angry? My perspective is to understand and recognize that the hurt is there, but women we must heal from past hurts in order for us to allow love to come in our lives.

This brings us to the broken home structure. The ‘broken home’ structure has been long into play for hundreds of years, and is now a large percentage in current America that make up the family structure, but should by no means be continuously used to depict the Black family in the light that it has been. Yes we understand that things happen in all groups of ethnicities, relationships fail. It’s truth BUT not all separations involve the angriest woman of life who so happens to always be Black! That record has exploded, vapored, reincarnated itself as the same record, and exploded again. I’ve seen the most civil co-parenting relationships within the Black community, and their response to how they respond to each other after having been separated is that,

“…we understand that it wasn’t anything he/she did wrong. It just didn’t work, wasn’t meant to be. So how can we be upset with each other when we tried and realized it was nothing personal that we did wrong? Even then, we’d just forgive each other and move on.”

Brothas: Where Are You?

Sir, not every woman is trying to give you the business. Not every hello means, that you cgi. Not every woman who has been successful in her endeavors and can take care of her own is a power freak, don’t need no man type of woman whose going to hold her 6 digit salary over your head for the duration of your relationship. Not every woman is going to play the role of mother because you have yet to figure out what it means to provide not only for a family but for yourself.

There are strong Black women who exist, who have that 6 digit salary, who is sure of who God is and who she is, who also is multitalented, intuitive, creative, waiting on someone to STAND UP so that she can be that loving, supportive, nurturing, strong, and submissive (yes ladies) woman for you.

In a world where sex, money, and everything else tangible is so accessible, commitment is rarely the last thing on any man’s mind. The pressures of being a Black man are great. As someone stated, there are so many options! I cannot dare say to someone you need to date this person because they look like you, but I will say RESPECT them, RESPECT her. When you decline a woman because of a generalization of what society says she is, you contribute to the struggle. Understand that the very characteristics you claim only exists in the ‘Black World’ are the same characteristics expressed through ALL people. The media has a good way of making sure though that it’s depicted through just us. From talking with women on this subject, they are here for you, we all are, but we need you to be here for us too. We are not bitches, we are women, Queens, and when you see a woman who you feel is acting out of hurt, there is always a way to let her know that from a place of respect, a place of love. Again, often times it is the tone in which we express ourselves that often determines how what we say is received.

So both men and women, how do you feel? What do you think? Do you agree? Disagree? What do you feel contributes to the discord within our communities? I’d love to know your thoughts!




  • K. Michel December 6, 2013 - 6:25 pm Reply

    Beautiful spirit from a gorgeous lady. I got the link from SBM and I enjoyed this article, Lashaye’.

    I used to worry about the discord, but learned that it’ll be there during our lifetimes and well afterward. You can’t undo over four centuries of psychological conditioning with “bootstrap politics” and “love”. It’s going to take centuries of real pain.

    African-Americans were never designed to have a community of their own. My advice is to just focus on you and the people that make you happy. Choose the men that you want to share your life with (healthy and mature Black men, in your case) and play by your own rules.

    Have a good day, Lashaye’.

    • LashayeBAD December 7, 2013 - 2:13 am Reply

      K. Michel-

      Thank you very much (for all of the above mentioned compliments)! I went to the article in which the link was posted to, and I have to say, that was intense. I agree, the psychological conditioning that African-Americans have been exposed to won’t be healed within our lifetime, yet part of me still feels that if I contribute the least to that moment however long away it may be, myself along with my sister will have added to a purpose larger than ourselves. I also believe that it will take the recognition of that pain to heal from the previously mentioned…acting as if it never happened in my opinion causes more damage.
      I appreciate the advice and plan to do so when the opportunity presents itself. Until then and even well after, I plan to continue becoming the best me I can be, & along with my sister, continue to be of service to people abroad via this site and other means…& to also enjoy the ride! Be blessed!

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  • Killah January 14, 2014 - 12:16 pm Reply

    One problem in the black community for the most part is largely economical. Black women do not want a “broke” man, or a man without a job. And black men, because it is so hard to find employment sometimes, seek a woman who is self sufficient. The problem here is, being that life is a rollercoaster, sometimes we lack what the other wants. Sometimes only for a season, sometimes much, much longer.
    The main problem, however, is selfishness. If a person cannot sacrifice and submit to the other, there will always be a void in the relationship. Submission is a tough pill to swallow for black folks, being that our great great grandparents were SLAVES. However, if we submit to one another, and put each other’s needs first, all of our needs will be met. If I spend my time and energy addressing what I want, and she does the same, that is a divided household. If I put her first, as she does me, then all of our needs will be met. Any deficiency In this balance results in a problem.
    As a people, we need to embrace the fact that every good person may not have an education, or stable employment. But love will guide them in the right direction if they are willing to submit to one another. Maybe they can build their dream together. Or maybe they will be dirt poor, but at least they have each other, right?

    • MsKenyaBAD January 14, 2014 - 1:38 pm Reply

      Thanks for your response and input. I think black men AND women alike share responsibility for some issues we have. I will address the ones you talked about. I believe that the economical factor is an issue, but it can be seen as an issue on either side of the fence: 1) You have the black men who have trouble with employment, then 2) You have those who society deems as successful (educated, good job, home, etc.) With the first group of men, I’ll say this; I will agree that systematically things aren’t set up in our favor. Look at prison statistics, and how many of our men are graduating high school let alone going to college, and you can’t really deny the disparity. However in my opinion, one of the top three things women (black, white, green, orange) need is security; that’s just in our nature. I don’t think the issue is us not wanting a “broke” black man or not wanting to build together, I think we don’t want to be taken advantage of. Too many times you see the brother who is having a hard time coming up for whatever reason, maybe he caught a bad break, and he has a black woman there encouraging him and supporting him……….for him only to fall in a place of comfort and not do anything at all. He then begins to depend on her, without contributing anything to the relationship. Then, will expect her to fulfill all of her “womanly” duties (cooking, cleaning, romancing, child rearing) on top of that. I’ve seen women in situations like this who were abused, taken advantage of, and hurt. I’m not saying every man who is in this position is shiftless with no drive, but they do exist and I think that scares a lot of women. Initially, it will take women getting to know this man and what he is about, before she thinks about making him her partner. I personally, come from lineage of men who work and provide for their families. Some had limited education, but no matter what they worked until they were able to build something better for themselves. I heard a family member say “I’ll never be without a job, whether I have to do fast food, clean, rake yards; I’m never going to NOT provide for my family.” I think there are too many without this mindset. Personally, I want to know that whatever your status is, as my partner, if I can’t do it, I won’t bear the burden alone in picking up the pieces for my family. So what if you don’t have a traditional education, there is plenty that you can do to create a life for yourself. Think about your talents, start a business, get a trade, don’t leave it up to your queen to carry the house alone.

      Then, you have the second guy; he is educated, has a good job, pushing a nice car, he has it all. The issue with him is, black women see him as almost an endangered species so they all throw themselves at him. He KNOWS this, and if he isn’t grounded enough to ward off all of the distractions, he will fall into the typical “player” lifestyle. He will take his liberties with these women, but will have a hard time settling down. It is easy for him to do so because he knows that he is the type of man that the parents of these women said they should date/marry; only on paper though. Because women are afraid of dealing with guy #1, they are more willing to hold out for this guy, in hopes that he will pick them to settle down with. This is dangerous because these women will sacrifice everything they have believed about themselves, to try and get the attention of this man. And over time, this man sees women as disposable, never really learning accountability or the meaning of true intimacy.

      I love what you said about selfishness and submission, and I think the root of that starts with how a person was raised. This generation period has been raised to be selfish, entitled, God-less, consumers, ungiving etc…I was talking to my sister and my thought is, we aren’t raising our children to be men and women, we are raising them to be all about self. We are immature. We think we should be able to take as much as we can with giving as little as possible. The law of return just doesn’t work that way, and you can see it. I feel like the older generation tried to shield us and protect us from so much, in order to prevent us having to deal with trials that they did, they spoiled us. We don’t know what submission is, we don’t know how to talk to each other, we don’t know what moral standards are (turn on your tv), we don’t know how to deal with conflict, we don’t have a sense of community and we don’t know the value of hard work. And, you can’t put the blame solely on single parent households, although I do think that is a huge issue. However, some of the most entitled people I’ve met come from what we would call “good families.” It’s all about the values that are shared in the home. We tell our kids “you need to find a man with xyz and don’t settle for less,” but we neglect to tell them or show them what they need to build within themselves in order to warrant that.

      “Submission is a tough pill to swallow for black folks, being that our great great grandparents were SLAVES.” Very good point, never thought of it this way.

      Anywho, these are just my opinions, and I really appreciate you sharing your thoughts with us. Must do again 🙂

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