Everyone has their own opinion of what love is. They have a standard on what type of individual is required for their companionship from how they look to what they do to who they are characteristically. I do believe that love is indeed colorblind, but for me I am madly in love with the Black Man. Not for the simple reason of the color of his skin, but for the strength behind his eyes, the intelligence that lies within, and the depth of his historical context. There is a commonality between us that cannot be expressed, which in return is highly appreciated, but as time progresses, and the water continues to boil over the pot, the strain between Black men and women increase. So after talking with my sister Kenya, and a few other individuals both male and female, a common thought was:
Sistas: Where has the standard gone?
Sex. It’s everywhere. You can get it with whomever, whenever, however! What is troublesome is that with it being so accessible why would a Black man, or any man for that matter feel the need to fall in love/commit with something so accessible, so easy?
I feel that sex is sacred, and from my many mishaps with relationships, the happiest/healthiest experience I had was when sex wasn’t involved. If you’re so eager for ‘intimacy’ so soon, there’s no need for him to stay around and figure out your name. He’s either gotten what he wanted, or decided to take you up on your offer and still leaves thinking that if you gave it up that easy, who else ‘hit that’, no questions asked? Women, we are beautiful, powerful, and beyond amazing but we have to treat ourselves as such. Take pride in who we are! And if the man that you are with cannot accept you wanting to wait, then clearly he is not the one for you (cliche’ I know, but it’s true). In a world where sex is the driving force behind every random thing, set yourself a part. Be the woman that tells him no and in return shows him something he didn’t even know existed! Be the Queen you were created to be and allow your King to recognize that, nurture love and protect that.
Appreciate who he is. Not every brotha is a dead beat, disrespectful, promiscuous cat, and if you see him acting in such a way, there is a way that you confront the behavior, from a place of respect, of love. Understand that it is the way we say things that set the tone for how your message is received.
There are extremely hard working, God fearing, multitalented, intuitive, creative, educated, loving brothas out there, but you will not attract such if you are carrying yourself in a manner less than that. You know us women have ‘a list’. So understand that men have a list too. You can’t be so critical if someone appears to be lacking when you aren’t even bringing anything that compliments your request to the table.
Being Black in America has slightly changed from the 60s when we were just granted the right to vote so it’s fair to say that how America portrays the Black woman hasn’t changed much either. We’re either attitudinal, always complaining, alone, or all the above which is not necessarily our faults BUT when we actually adopt that as who we are collectively (roles we play/being played in the media)…that creates another monster.
Anonymous: ‘All Black women got a chip on their shoulder…too much drama so I don’t deal with em…”
Now, I’m the type of woman who won’t deal with the type of cat who would make a comment like that. Brothas, you cannot generalize ALL Black women by what you see through mass media. It’s not real! Ladies, you cannot think that you can adopt your lifestyle to that of somebody’s housewives, it ain’t real! For a brief moment though, let’s defend the digital creation of the angry Black woman.
The historical context, in my opinion, goes back to slavery when the Black family was torn apart. The father ripped from his family, then beaten in front of the wife and children, sold to the highest bidder. Now for all of my Willie Lynch readers you can see the connect with how America continues pushing that moment through what is seen today. If you haven’t read it, I strongly suggest it. The woman was often times left to care for her family, not by choice of the male or female. The whole independent lifestyle is no new concept, it’s just evolved with the trend of the times. Imagine, if your happy home was unwillingly dismantled, would you not be angry? My perspective is to understand and recognize that the hurt is there, but women we must heal from past hurts in order for us to allow love to come in our lives.
This brings us to the broken home structure. The ‘broken home’ structure has been long into play for hundreds of years, and is now a large percentage in current America that make up the family structure, but should by no means be continuously used to depict the Black family in the light that it has been. Yes we understand that things happen in all groups of ethnicities, relationships fail. It’s truth BUT not all separations involve the angriest woman of life who so happens to always be Black! That record has exploded, vapored, reincarnated itself as the same record, and exploded again. I’ve seen the most civil co-parenting relationships within the Black community, and their response to how they respond to each other after having been separated is that,
“…we understand that it wasn’t anything he/she did wrong. It just didn’t work, wasn’t meant to be. So how can we be upset with each other when we tried and realized it was nothing personal that we did wrong? Even then, we’d just forgive each other and move on.”
Brothas: Where Are You?
Sir, not every woman is trying to give you the business. Not every hello means, that you cgi. Not every woman who has been successful in her endeavors and can take care of her own is a power freak, don’t need no man type of woman whose going to hold her 6 digit salary over your head for the duration of your relationship. Not every woman is going to play the role of mother because you have yet to figure out what it means to provide not only for a family but for yourself.
There are strong Black women who exist, who have that 6 digit salary, who is sure of who God is and who she is, who also is multitalented, intuitive, creative, waiting on someone to STAND UP so that she can be that loving, supportive, nurturing, strong, and submissive (yes ladies) woman for you.
In a world where sex, money, and everything else tangible is so accessible, commitment is rarely the last thing on any man’s mind. The pressures of being a Black man are great. As someone stated, there are so many options! I cannot dare say to someone you need to date this person because they look like you, but I will say RESPECT them, RESPECT her. When you decline a woman because of a generalization of what society says she is, you contribute to the struggle. Understand that the very characteristics you claim only exists in the ‘Black World’ are the same characteristics expressed through ALL people. The media has a good way of making sure though that it’s depicted through just us. From talking with women on this subject, they are here for you, we all are, but we need you to be here for us too. We are not bitches, we are women, Queens, and when you see a woman who you feel is acting out of hurt, there is always a way to let her know that from a place of respect, a place of love. Again, often times it is the tone in which we express ourselves that often determines how what we say is received.
So both men and women, how do you feel? What do you think? Do you agree? Disagree? What do you feel contributes to the discord within our communities? I’d love to know your thoughts!