Let’s be honest; everyone is looking for love in some way, shape or form. It is evidenced by what we watch, read, listen to, and how we interact on social media; we all want someone to love, and be loved by. However, as much as we want it, we seem to be afraid of it or have a hard time finding a love that fits us. The reasons for our fear of love are growing at an exponential rate; the side piece epidemic, divorce, seemingly lack of interest from others, all of which might cause some to lose hope. I don’t have all the answers Sway, and matter of fact I may not have any at to fit you. However, I have seen and done it all wrong enough to provide some insight; we worried about the wrong thangs, the wrong thangs! We are really out here falling in love with people based on things that do not last, then we get upset when we can’t get it right.
These days, it seems like we are always reminded that men are visual; you are motivated by what you see first. Should this prove to be true, this may cause some of you to fall victim to the most epic of thirst traps, ending up with unplanned pregnancies, busted windows, or your bank account cleared (God willing none of this will happen, IJS). Everyone is entitled to preference (light skin, long hair, skinny, thick, whatever), but those preferences shouldn’t be the very thing that you build your relationship on. I know some men who will put up with pure hell, or have, because of what a woman looks like. If you wife her because she rocks Louboutins and keeps the finest of Malaysian hair (Women be shopping), don’t get surprised when you are expected to maintain that upkeep even in times of financial trouble. Is she resourceful? Can she at least follow a recipe? Is she nurturing? Does she have integrity? Will she get along with your family? Is she spoiled? Selfish? What is her moral code? Does she believe in God? Does she pray and plan or panic during difficult times? Does she take care of herself? Is she clean? Are there any emotional issues that should be dealt with? Can she be vulnerable giving you a safe place to park your heart (Shout out to Mint Condition)? Is she honest about her emotions (not in a cray cray way though unless you acting up lol)? Look at her character, and past her surface, then you may be able to determine whether building with a particular woman is a smart idea. I feel like for the most part men (not boys) are good about choosing partners carefully. However, don’t get so caught up in finding perfection that you overlook what may be right in front of you all along.
Women. My baes. We develop these loooooooong lists that have the characteristics of what we want, that don’t have a damned thing to do with character. They will usually look something like this: Tall, Dark, Handsome, Nice Car, Own House, Good Job, Works Hard, He a Bad Broad (wait….). You get my point. Being that we are emotional creatures, and the fact that we’ve fallen for the Disney love prescription we fall hook line and sinker for surface romance. Also, it is in our innate nature to be attracted to whom can provide, so if he has all of these things that’s a plus. And don’t let him have a lil’ game on him, “Giiirl he buys me flowers, giiiirl he always buys me gifts, giiiiiiirl he did he did he did….” Then 3 years later we find out he was doing for 5 other women in 4 different area codes. Then you get your girlfriends together for a pity session talking about “How did this Happen to me, he was such a good man!” Was he? Or did he play your emotions to get you right where he wanted you? We have to stop falling in love with men for solely what they do and look at who they are. Is he ready to commit? If you know you want a committed relationship be 100 about that. That way, if he hits you with that “well I’m not really looking for that right now” you can cut your losses. Along with his nice list of haves, look at who that man really is. Has he consistently been able to provide for himself as a grown man (we aren’t talking about falling on hard times, or actively working towards a goal)? Does he have God-given vision that you can trust in? Does he demonstrate self-control? Is he controlling? How well does he communicate and listen? Does he pray and plan instead of giving in to panic during difficult times? Is he reliable? Does he keep his word? Does he respect the women in his life? Does he have fifty-lem “Homegirls” hanging around (we know those aren’t all just friends bae)? Does he value his time with you? Is he interested in your life, not just what you can give him?
All I’m trying to say is that when we are looking for people to tie ourselves with, we need to be more accountable for who we align ourselves with romantically. All of the surface reasons should be bonuses to a person’s character, not the foundation in which we build our love on. Looks can change, a man can lose his job, your mate may develop a condition that would prevent them from putting it down like they used to…………..when you are thinking about long-term relationships and marriage, these are all possibilities. When you take away the looks, the material things, you want to be able to still have a reason to at least like the person, let alone want to hold on to their love for a lifetime.